All in your head

yeah, i think i am done with livejournal. all it does is reming me of a painful past. it sucks too. =P so yeah, i am almost ALWAYS online if anyone needs to talk...i am a little less reliable, but still easier to contect on my cell phone. if you know any of my friends or me, it shouldnt be too hard to come up with either piece of info. goodnight forever...

well, a lot has happened. my father died march 8th, i looked to philosophy for comfort, i got better at gitaur, and life is totally kicking my ass. im really hoping for it to work out as it should...ill jump off of that cliff later. for now, i seek inner peace and understanding.

the world spins. people die, and live. emotion is just a human entertainment. there is no point to life. that is why it is beautiful. every moment is so much more precious without any way to justify it. every moment is spent purly for the sake of defining a purpose and searching for a way to communicate human nature and the emotion that is felt. every moment is spent trying to make another copy of you by having other people feel the same way that you do. the whole mess of things is just a reflection of ones inner mind. everything that you can imagine can happen. every thought is true. there is no false reality or lie. everything must be true in an infinate universe. there can be no falseness, or it would not exist in the first place. so, every lie would only be a reflection of another truth, somewhere else. this doesnt mean that lying is justifiable, its only the nature of a lie. the nature of humans themselves. so, to conclude, a humans existance is only to create every thought they have and put it outside of their head, and make it exist.


"Stalk the ground
You should have seen
The curse that flew right by you
Page of concrete
Stained walks crutch in hobbled sway
Auto-da-fé
A capillary hint of red
Only this manupod
Crescent in shape has escaped
The house half the way
Fell empty with teeth
That split both his lips
Mark these words
One day this chalk outline will circle this city
Was he robbed of the asphalt that cushioned his face
A room colored charlatan
Hid in a safe
Stalk the ground" the mars volta, televators.

saw brook, hung out with hannah, didnt get to hang out with colin, got to hang out with matt, i dont like school.

what was i thinking? =P so yeah, business and stuff. emo, whining, etc. -sigh- moms insinuating that im gay, anton thinks it, some evil junior chick thinks it, so w/e. ill be gay. sure. as long as everyone leaves me alone, i dont care what stupid title they put to me. i have probably been laid before most of them even had girlfriends, and im gay. ironic, no? any way, hi to michelle, katrina, when do you want to hang out? hannah, thursday and friday, brook, saturday, peter on friday. and anyone else who wants a piece of me and a time slot, just sign up. so yeah, i want to hang out with colin soon...and i hear that everyone is hating joe...that sucks, but now he knows what it was like to be me....more emo, downer debbie, etc. =P

hasta luego y yo veo ustedes a manana. =P

you are sitting up in your room, the entire house empty...its a warm summer day...the windows are open, and a warm breeze flutters through, and ruffles your silk curtains...
cuddled into a ball in the corner, enjoying the breeze play across your face, and litening to the rustle of the leaves outside....
the sunlight makes its way through the high windows, and seems to settle at your lap...
such a perfect day, with nothing else in the world but where you are...no worries, no problems...peace....serenity...ease..
the wind all of a sudden softly turns to the other direction, and a muflle is heard from the stairs from the carpet on the stairs...
the wind plays back, softly across again..
heavy steps, trodding slowly but carefully, muffle their way towards you..
then, someone seems to fill the door..
a soft chuckle, then "hey babe"
i pick my way over to your bed, carefree but carefully...
the bed depresses where i ease my way on..
my warm breath plays across your nose..
my arms wrap around your back and side, and we listen to the endless rustle of the summer leaves...
every breath seems to be a part of the music of the wind and the trees...the sun seems to be resting with us...
and nothing happens...
a seemingly neverending peace, in the eternal summer...

so yeah, playing with peter now, disappointed that hes going to simons rock, and uh....love school. yeah, thats it.

yeah...nothing happened...went over to jess' house for a bit and watched american pie 2...made me think a lot about all of my past relationships, lol...-sigh- depressing, to say the least...i fucked every single one up so far...hmm...well, nothing else to say, really. i want to do the thing that michelle did, but only about 2 people look at my journal, and i have a bunch of songs no one would recognize...so, i wont even bother. =P yeah...pumped for my administrative detention next wednesday...woo...-sigh- i wish i wasnt such a cocky moron...and i wish i had any talent with relationships...and i wish i could sleep more...='( so yeah...buh-bye!

hmmm...debating on wether or not to rename my journal to "attention whore" it would make more sense, right? that way no one would be confused, coming here and looking for anything meaningful.

im soRyr mommy, i didnt eman to ruin your easter. it was alll lIbs fauklt! iW as tRying Tot hElp ytou!

but yoU arent the adult. you Areent in Chrarge oF her.

BUT shE waS goaing To ruiN the PAlay! shE waS to cLose!

TAhANks For ruiNIng My EAster! thAnks Forr rUineing It FOrr eVeryone!

ImM SorRry mOmmy! I dDiidnt MEaN to ameaKE you Tear YoRU DreSS! i DdIDnT mEAN to RuUIn YourR eaSTER! Im SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY!

soo...true...lol this comes fromthe page about french life and their "grand" theaters. this is fromt he 19 century...so good...so yeah, i found a lot of good philosophy online, and im planning on working my way through it by the end of this week...the communist manifesto might take a while, though...oh well, better get started. =)

my goal is to completely eliminate any trace i have on the net. so that means deleting all of my stuff, changing things, etc...i have no better use of my time. making things and then unmaking them again is almost twice as productive! with no net gain! its almost as good as just wasting my life putting stuff on there that doesnt matter in the first place. eventually, it would all be deleted on its own, but i figure that i should help it along. if i knew of a way to delete this entire journal, i would...i just cant figure out where the magic button for it is. =/ so yeah....another night i will be up for again...if any one wants to talk...im the definition of always on line. =P so yeah....

today was scary. yesterday was scary. im confused. w/e. so yeah, didnt do much today, got to hang out with brian and marc, blew everyone else off, and didnt feel bad about it, because they ditched us first. =P all we did is go to marc and foil their plan of taking marcs house by force. watched mr. show, and watched marc play more resident evil...i feel kinda on edge, but i have no one to talk to...so yeah, paranoia is going wild, and nothing is happening...questioning sanity and w/e. i might try for sleep in a few hours...prolly somewhere near 3 o'clock or so. so, any one want to talk online? i can stay up all night...

i like aim, because its perfect. you cant prove that anyone is on the other end. to your knowledge, they only exist because you make them exist. would anyone be there if they didnt talk back? could it be that no one was ever there? anything can be said, but all of it will be forgotten. i mean, if its all just inside of your head, what does it amatter what you say? you could spill your love, profess your hate, rage against someone, or think of death, and it wouldnt make any difference. its like a giant mind game, a puzzle. all of the words and thoughts behind them only exist because you make them be. what if it is all a never ending conversation with yourself? what if all of those other personalities and people are just reflections, extensions of yourself? someone you have never met before could just as well be a copy of you. or be like you enough to question how far apart you are from the other. a conversation supposedly carried out between two people could just as easily be carried out by one person. how could you even prove any one was on the other end of that blinking screen? theres no proof for any of it.

today was ok, lots of walking, and strange vannillia tastes, but im over it. <3d spending the day with hannah, got to see dan-motherfucking-kim, and had fun. got raped by an ass flower.got new speakers (<3 hannah!) and had a good time. so yeah, getting pumped for dynasty warriors with my sister. ;D woo! and sorry kristen, i didnt know you were with your bf. =/

i dont care. i quit. i just want to go in peace...im tired of everything. ive failed out of life, now i just want to take myself out of the game....im tired of fucking up. im tired of being pissed. im tired of hurting peoples feelings. michelle, i am so god damn sorry for treating you like shit and disrespecting you all of this time. you deserve a lot better than what i give you. im sorry....and to brook, who i lied to, i am deathly sorry....if i could undo what i did, i would....hannah, im sorry to have brought you into all of this, and im sorry to everyone else who even got involved.

another thousand bitter regrets to cut into me like shards of glass and time.

"Drugs are tools and like all tools they have their limits. Whenever one uses a drug for its mental, psychological, or even spiritual effects, one must remember that the tool itself can never replace hard work and committment. Some would argue that using drugs for spiritual or magickal purposes is completely misguided, but others report great benefit from the use of various psychoactive drugs in meditation, spiritual exploration, and development of a personal philosophy.

Most people who are experienced with the use of drugs in this context must never take the place of sober work. Drugs may be ideal for showing one the possibilities of the mind, but once awakened to these possibilities, it is perhaps best to let memory and familiarity take the place of drug use. It is probably best to limit the use of DXM to the minimum necessary to accomplish a given goal, and with time it should become totally unnecessary. Remember, DXM can be a step along the path, but it should never become the path itself."

so yeah...the combination equals hardcore energy and lack of sleep...im working on reading a lot of philosophy, and working on what kinds of things i can build or make to make things better for my surrounding friends and the rest of the world, cant sleep....its ok, i wasnt that tired...but theres NO one to talk to. and oh man. is sinergy fucking awesome. so yeah, tripping my way out, at 3:27 AM on sunday. cant wait for school.

yeah, didnt do too much, yet today...went for a walk with jess, worked on my computer, got ready to beat everyone in Super Smash Brothers, =P and just hung out. oh, and i found a good poem by RebelCalibur:

My peers hold a power
But to them it just seems vague
My soul they do devour
I arrive unto the plague

Judge me by my cover
Never look within
Rip and tear asunder
Their deeds must be a sin

They pay no true penance
Simply cannot coincide
This class and its attendents
Drive me to suicide

Feel their eyes peer down on me
And yet I hold my ground
To them its just a killing spree
Whats lost has just been found

The way to end eternity
The will to give my all
To spill my blood of purity
My death be their downfall

so yeah, off to (hopefully) chill with peter and the crew! =D

life is like.....a giant shit compactor. the more you put in, the higher it gets, until you crush it all down, and let it build all up again. eventually, you have to deal with the shit. but you put it off as long as you can, to avoid going near it. in the end, theres no way out of the shit compactor, but to get over it. on the other side of the shit compactor, the over side, there are golden cookies for wading in the shit. the key is to get over it first.